I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, dating sims are most interesting when they don’t take themselves too seriously. That’s why I was so taken byBuilding Relationships, a hilarious dating simwhere you’re a house romancing other houses, and it’s why I was so drawn toDate Everything.
Big Tech, Big Whoop
Date Everything’s premise is just as silly. When the game starts, you’re sitting down for your first day as a remote customer service agent for Valdivian, a megacorporation run by incompetent nepo baby David Most. According to Most, you were hired because your application had the least spelling errors, which is a detail he sees fit to share with the entire company in the Wrkspace app. In truth, your best friend Sam also had a hand in getting you the job.
Through Valdivian’s customer care app, you deal with a couple of different queries. You can offer refunds, if you like. You can also ask your customers on dates, harangue them about their stupid purchases, or ask them to prove that they’re not a supervillain. It doesn’t really matter. You’re quickly put into ‘labour limbo’ by David Most, who’s decided that whilehisjob can’t be done by an AI chatbot, yours and the people in Sales, Marketing, Finance, Legal, and a whole host of others’can.
The team that built the AI was also promptly fired. Yes, it’s all very funny, and yes, it will send you spiralling into existential dread.
Your overly cheerful manager informs you that since you can’t be fired without cause, you won’t really need to work, but if you “muck things up” youwillbe terminated. Sam, apologetic that you lost your job so quickly, asks you to hop on Thiscord to continue talking since you’ll be locked out of your desktop pretty soon, but when you log in, there’s already a message waiting for you.
A user called tinfoilhat tells you they’re an anonymous hacker sending you a package. A drone promptly bumps into your office windows, then crashes through the glass in your front door and dumps a wrapped box onto your floor. In it is a pair of Dateviators, and this is where the fun starts.
Spoiled For Choice
Date Everything’s sharply funny satire of modern corporate tech runs through the game, but most of your time will be spent using these glasses to bring various objects in your household to life. The glasses themselves are a romanceable character named Skylar Specs, and she teaches you to Directly Acknowledge a Thing’s Existence – or DATE. By shooting sciencey love rays at things, you can turn them into potential romantic suitors.
One of the most impressive things about Date Everything is how its characters are integrated into the house. Walking through the two floors of your shockingly large home (How is this remote worker affording a whole house alone? I have six housemates!) reveals that you can scan pretty much everything. Fireplace? Yep, his name is Dante, and he’ll teach you pickup lines. Fridge? Of course, and he’s a Yeti in a coat wholovestakeout. The thingsinsidethe fridge? Sure, and they turn into a food critic called Mitchell Lin who’ll roll his eyes at you if you identify the wine he’s drinking incorrectly.
Every inconsequential item turns into an anthropomorphic version of itself, and many of them even have relationships with each other. Mitchell is familiar with Daisuke, the chef who runs an omakase sushi joint in the dining room. Chance, a 20-sided die who wants to play a legally distinct version of Dungeons & Dragons with you, wants you to rope his friends in too. Yes, of course he’s played by Matthew Mercer.
Speaking of Matt Mercer, the other truly impressive thing about this game is that it has a whopping 100 characters and a jaw-droppingly star-studded cast. They’ve got Ben Starr playing a heavily tattooed door, Erika Ishii as a pair of Ben Wa balls (yes, really), Troy Baker as a treadmill, Laura Bailey playing a laundry hamper, Debra Wilson as a water heater… and those are just the household names. Date Everything’s focus on strong voice acting shows, because every character I’ve brought to life so far is utterly convincing in their performance. These actors arecommitting to the bit.
You’ll probably have a hard time sniffing out every single one of these characters, so there’s a useful Roomers app full of leads to direct you to the ones you’re missing. That’s courtesy of the magnifying glass on your shelf – she’s a regular Sherlock Holmes.
Lovers, Friends, Or Foes?
Another thing I really appreciate is that there isn’t a premium placed on romantic relationships. In fact, many characters will explicitly tell you they’re interested in friendship andnotromance, at least for the moment. It’s also made clear that you won’t be penalised for choosing to pursue a friendship track with a character – different relationship statuses, presumably including hate, will reward you with points in different skills and unlock new dialogue options.
Each of these characters, too, seems to have very individual perspectives, values, and interests, as well as their own problems and backstories – my bed, for example, mentioned she’s had trouble sleeping over the last few years.
Skylar Specs offered to turn on an option that would flag sensitive content for me as I played, which included themes of addiction, stalking, domination, and more. I suspect there’s much more to these characters than meets the eye.
Whether Date Everything pulls off its ambitious vision is yet to be seen – there’s only so much I can do with just two hours of gameplay. But as it promises no time limits, branching narratives, and atleastthree endings per character, I’m looking forward to seeing how my own personal hallucinatory dating experience goes. I might have six housemates, but Date Everything’s protagonist has 100, and they’re trying to juggle relationships with all of them. Chaos reigns.
